Its been a long while since I've posted anything here on my website. 2023 has been another hell of a year. And 2024 feels...well more of the same...perhaps more intense.
For those of you who are on this path of awakening and transformation, maybe you have been feeling the same. This sense of un-relentless processing and letting go.
Right now Im super challenged on a physical level. I seem to have manifested an ailment, that although the doctor diagnosed as a virus, it feels a lot more hectic than that. And it has been bringing up every fear imaginable. I seem to be in a constant state of worry and anxiety so it's been hard to understand if what im physically experiencing is somatic or actually the ailment.
On an energetic and spiritual level I understand that something very very deep is going on and I have the opportunity to shift something big.
The biggest shift and what I feel is the main purpose of my current challenge is that of dropping deeper into the hearts consciousness. It is showing me just how easily I disconnect from my heart. Ironic seeing that the truest part of me knows that I am here to be a leader of heart-based consciousness yet here I am....resisting my heart and not trusting whatever it is telling me.
One of the biggest insights I've realised is I've been "trying" to figure out my "purpose" on this huge level which has been a point of tension for me. I mean...when you're on this journey...trying to work everything out like this can feel very limiting and frustrating as you're in a constant state of change and transformation...but I guess my ego needs some kind of security this way. Anyhoo...back to my point. It occurred to me this morning that what if my purpose is just to listen to whats in my heart and follow that? What if my purpose overall is just to support my heart? And that whatever my heart is feeling or saying...that these are the mini purposes within the big purpose?
And then I realised why I resist this.
Because I still have a lot of pain and grief in my heart. Because sometimes....the heart doesn't have a "good" feeling. And therein I see my little yet big dilemma.
I don't follow my heart because the feeling isn't always "positive".
And I think this is because I'm still buying into misguided spirituality on some level. That thing where if I'm on the "spiritual" path then its all roses and rainbows and unicorn farts of glitter. And if you walk the path of Love a.k.a The Heart...then things will feel "good" and smooth sailing all the way to the great ascension party in the sky. Lol! Nope!
Walking this path is about honouring EVERYTHING. Not being biased towards light natured things but also respecting the contrast of dark natured things in this physical dimension. I mean if the divine is all there is....then that means the divine is also in the dark nature of life. And that serves a purpose. Without this contrast we cannot have the rich experiences that we have. (my ego does not like this..ha!)
So now, here I am...and what is in my heart today (aka what is my purpose today?). It is fear with a tinge of depression and despair (possibly grief). My freedom lies in the choice of what I choose to do with this. I can ignore it (like I have been) or I can open to it and see what this part of me needs.
And maybe this is really what the path of the heart (love) is all about.....this is just what I gotta (if I want) love next. Perhaps the heart just presents a loving action...and if its painful its just saying...this is what needs love right now...or if it's an authentic positive feeling it might want to be expressed through an action of some sort...or not.
If you've been struggling on the path lately, and had a lot of frustration around your purpose...what if it is just the simplicity of honouring whatever is on or in your heart right now and following that feeling as your mini purpose for now?
And maybe that's all the trust we need for now.
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