For these last few days I've been deeply reflecting on intimacy and connection.
In a few days time it will be the anniversary of the death of my soul mate, the love of my life. Im always wary of this time. I never know what will come up for me.
Its been four years, and it still aches to think about. It has taken quite awhile to make peace with it all...but there are still some lingering hurts and pains from that period of my life. I still miss him and love him deeply.
When I feel this grief, it can be very convincing to me that I'm truly"missing"something. Sure, I'm missing his physical presence...that aches. But it also feels like im missing a part of me. A HUGE part of me. And I feel like it will come back if he does. I also start to think that maybe this is a mishap...that this experience is validation on some level that I am unloved in this scenario. But my inner strength says otherwise. It assures me I got this.
So there's this part of me focusing on what I am "missing" (its welcome and loveable), yet the strength part of me tells me to look at what has been growing in my life.
I have not had an intimate relationship since 2016/17, when I lost my soul mate the first time...when we chose to go different ways. An incredibly painful breakup that left me in pieces, but ultimately put me on the healing and transformational path that I am on. This part I am grateful for.
At first I was reluctant to be alone in the journey, but after awhile I chose from a clear and empowered place to remain solo as I continued to heal. After all, this relationship was so intense, painful (especially when he passed) and powerful....I needed A LOT of time to heal, understand and integrate this period of my life (which i am still doing on a few levels). It really shook me to the core....and the after shocks continue.
But what has been beginning to grow from the ashes of what I had and wanted back then, is something quite remarkable and well....new... really.
The seedlings of the garden of my transformation are beginning to grow.
From choosing to love myself unconditionally (and continually choosing it despite the odds....and believe me, theres been a lot of odds..lols), I have not only created a deep connection with myself and the All That Is. But I have somehow managed to naturally create true connections with others.
And the one that had been quietly and powerfully growing with me, was that of my friend, and healing ally....Anneke Van Kuyk, or whom I affectionally call Keke Balls.
Because we both had chosen to heal and transform, we had been doing it side by side...and the more we did that, the deeper and more powerful our connection became.
She has been by my side this entire time. She's been my go to person to share, cry, talk, heal and laugh with. She understand's my journey, and I hers. And on a soul level, we chose to heal very similar themes, of which still surprises us with beautiful synchronicity.
Our connection is so effortless, that I had not recognised that it was naturally unfolding from our aligned soul choices.
And this is what I wanted. This is truly the beginning.
A connection based in unconditional love, personal freedom and equal empowerment.
It feels safe and authentic. We share mutual understanding and patience for each other.
I didn't think I could feel this fulfilled by a friendship. Literally the only thing we don't do is have sex...lol! But nothing feels lacking at all. Thats what is blowing me away. We do experience a pleasure of sort in our connection, but its on a soul level..its the pleasure of unconditional love.
That is the core of our friendship. We are both choosing to unconditionally love.
Its so easy to be in connection with her because she's choosing to love herself, like me. She chooses to take full responsibility for her beliefs, emotions and choices...like me. She wants to be free...like me. She wants to own her power....like me! We value the same things. We both want to be our authentic selves and be transparent about that.
And we support each other to do this. We trust each other because we do this.
In other words, we take full ownership of ourselves..and our connection becomes a breeze.
I never feel responsible for how she feels and I never blame her for how I feel. We welcome all of our unlovable bits into our friendship. Theres no judgement...and for a person like me...thats a breath of fresh air.
I feel free to be myself with her...on every level (and this mirrors how I felt with the love of my life when he was alive).
My connection with her is teaching me just how valuable this choice, of unconditional self-love is. True self love. The deep and intimate version. The unconditional version. The empowered and free version. She helps me value this choice in myself...and I hope I do the same for her.
I am beginning to see what is truly possible from choosing this. The ripple effect it will have in my life. The abundance of connections I am going to experience.
And I have my beautiful soul mate...the one who has transitioned, to thank for this. He was the first to come into my life and show me that natural, powerful, unconditional love is possible. We chose different paths ultimately...but it led to the same place. I can unconditionally love him where he is...I know that its the only answer....and I can love myself here and somewhere in between our connection remains.....and it flows into my life as an abundance of connections....all powered by the same alignment in love.
