When A Phase Of Your Journey Lasts a Long Time

For the past year I have been going through a really intense process. Lots of themes around fear, anxiety, control, surrender, depression....you name it.

And what Ive put it down to is.... im in a deep core space. Perhaps a place within me I have only touched on in previous healings.

And if i could describe what that feels like, it would be like a hardened cocktail of emotions sitting like a big fat rock in my heart area.

It's like one day, I just woke up, and I was in a deep state of fear and worry...and then things just spiralled from there. It's been super hard to do anything I would normally do, including writing and various other things I like to do. Some days felt like pure hell.

I also had a lot of big physical changes and also people im close to going through huge things that were times of real crisis. It's been stressful to say the least.

And of course my inner guidance, as always, was to heal. Keep healing. Keep letting go. Keep transforming. Which I did, and still am doing. And I know that whatever this phase it, it's big....and pivotal.

I feel like im in this place where Im reflecting back to the past because there is no inclination of what the future is going to look like. And somewhere in there, Im reacting anxiously with depression and dread, grief and longing,. and a general sense of hopelessness.

Ive been toggling between my spiritual path/self and my physical self and circumstances. Feeling the pull of these two within my psyche.

Yet in this intense and long process...some things seem to be abundantly clear.

The presence of Love is all i truly need and want right now. And i am truly beginning to understand the power and enough-ness of that.

Im not as surrendered as I thought.

My relationship and reaction to fear is completely changing.

Im completely done with certain power dynamics and familial patterns.

My wounded feminine goes deeper than I thought.

Im rediscovering an innocent part of me that I feel actually TRUSTS the universe and always has.

Im truly beginning to understand the importance of genuine love.

And I have a lot of fear of being my true self (which is a big part of the above).

Somewhere in these things feels a deep arising and aligning of which I cannot control in any way shape or form.

And I am reminded that this spiritual awakening path ain't no joke, and certainly ain't no walk in the park.

I don't know what Im looking for at the moment, I have no idea what to do most days. I certainly don't know what is going on in my path. And I don't know how to write this. My guidance is to keep showing up. Write as honestly as I can. Keep being where I am even If I have mad resistance to it.

Keep flowing with each day. Keep surrendering to being around my family who have no idea what im going through. Keep healing. Keep going. Keep following that inner being.