Wanting To Be Seen And Not Seen

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I currently feel triggered about being seen and also not being seen. Its such a funny and challenging double bind.

I've been on this journey for over 9 years now. I'd say the last 5 were very intense. I felt like my soul really wanted me to come to the deepest most authentic version of me possible. The most truthful.... and for me to also feel the universal truth of things. And in order to do that, much to my human dismay, I had to remain unseen to the world, my friends, family except for those I needed to be around. And every time I thought I was ready for the next phase, I'd restart my website, blog, podcast, whatever and then it would be very apparent that the next phase would be, indeed, another "inner" phase.

This happened about 800 times it felt like. Lol. But as I reflect back, a lot of things were building inside of me that needed to be strong and clear.

So here I am, on the verge of this new phase which I know is definitely to be an outer phase, balanced with the inner when needed. And spirit guided me to comfortable with that. There was a lot of attachments and expectations I needed to let go of in order to be ok with just doing what feels true. I was to let go of any self-imposed, or societal "rules"and limitations on what it means to be a writer, blogger, healer, spiritual guide, whatever label I wanna use for this.

So this brings me to being seen. A part of me is ready to be seen this way. When I really wasn't before. I thought I was, but no not really. But then I get this very particular trigger and reflection yesterday, of which I have had numerous times...but this felt timely to my "coming out of the spiritual closet" so to speak.

It was this feeling of being utterly invisible. Like Im not who I am. No one can see me. The people closest to me cant see me. They don't know who I am. And this triggered me in particular because I really thought I was being more open about my journey in general. Ive been feeling more ok with sharing the wisdom from my journey, holding space for others and just in general...being unafraid to be myself. And this trigger just threw a dynamite of doubt into my path.

I went to bed feeling really sad and down. This really threw me. And like I said...its on the verge of me coming back out into the world and doing my "thang" out loud.

Im going to do a real time process with this as I write. As I feel into myself, I can sense a fear is arising. Its underneath a bit of anger and frustration, and what feels like a bit of shame too. I think I am judging myself for being triggered like this. Lol. Thats what the shame is about....Like after all the damn inner work Ive done to get where I am...this unravels me in 2.5 seconds. Hahahahaha. Im literally laughing. But also upset lol. And shame because this makes my blood boil...very angry. Oh yeah...here it is....the fear:

YOUR SPIRITUALITY IS WRONG/INVALID/NOT REAL. WHO ARE YOU TO BE A SPIRITUAL HEALER/TEACHER?

Holy shit. That is a big judgement I am afraid of hearing. Im afraid that this is what people will think of me and my work. Because a deep part of me knows Im not here to do the same spiritual things I did in my past lives ( I reckon i explored EVERY spiritual and religious path possible!) and I most certainly know....I'm not here to be a spiritual ideal, "look" spiritual or be like others. Especially not to have to "perform" spiritually in any way shape or form. And this trigger is touching on this very insecure part of me.

Maybe there's a part of me that still doesn't fully feel solid in this part of me. That my connection to spirit isn't authentic....I have to somehow prove it or be a certain way, or get signs and wonders, or show you I have "special gifts". Yeah and its stuff like that....that some people are "special" in their spirituality and some aren't. Yeah I feel angry about these beliefs and judgments.

This is something I've been grappling with for most of my journey. I know im not like other spiritual people and I also dont feel like Im like other non-spirtual people (I mean...in my knowing...every one is...but whether people choose to see it or not is the difference). But not like this is even a "thing" you know? I feel like in these last couple of years, when I went through some very intense disillusionment...my soul guided me to stip back so much bullshit in me around this. Its not an identity. Its not a "this is spritual, this is not".

But this now brings me to not wanting to be seen. I dont want to be seen as well. I don't want to be seen because of these reasons. Im not going to match up to whatever ideal anyone has on what being spiritual is. I feel like its a big part of my journey to expand this. And to be really ok with just being me.

Spirituality is a natural part of who I am. I cannot remember a time when I wasn't. Its as natural to me as breathing. And dont even get me started on the limiting ideas of what love is and what its supposed to look like. Ive had to ( and still am) letting go of multitudes of old beliefs and Ideals on what love is and isnt. What it looks like. Being this being that. Bla bla bla.

Yes this part of me is shitty because this bothers me still. And the real fear? You're not gonna like me. Hahahahaha.

If your idea of spirituality is crystals and mantras and psychics and light language and aliens and aligning your chakras and breathing right. Then youre not gonna like me and what I have to say. (Side note, nothing is wrong with any of these things, I love them, I dabbled, I sometimes talk to my passed loved ones... love the woo woo..Im just making a point of how unlimited and abundant this is).

My spirituality is me. Being fully true to who I am. Its unconditional love. Its feeling everything I feel and being really here and now. Its being honest with myself and transparent as a human. Its rock 'n'roll and marvel movies. Its drag queens and pop culture. Its smoking and drinking because I love it. Its pleasure. Its transforming pain. It's singing in the shower. Its talking to my friends for hours. Its owning my shit. Owning my power, giving a shit about it. Its seeking, its being found. Its true love. Its romantic. Its dynamic and humourous. Its fucking liberating and alive and exciting. And its also challenging at times. Its pure freedom to be true to me. I dont have to be XYZ to have XYZ. I dont need to follow a formula so I open the portal of light into my heart.

I just gotta be here. As me. In the now. Feeling all I feel. Following my souls guidance to love myself out loud. And love what I love.

Phew. Now thats out of the way. Coming back to being seen and not seen. Yeah a part of me feels hurt that not everyone will or can see me. And I really don't know why. But maybe thats why I write. Maybe this is a way I see me. I can validate me when I reflect back on my expressions. And why do I feel this real need to be seen? I mean some people I respect see me...why do I care about the ones who don't?

If Im going to be truly honest with myself...its particular people I may be trying to prove my worth and value to. And maybe thats just it. Im really trying to still prove it to myself. That my life is about something. I have something unique and beatiful to give. That I am really good at what I do. That my healing jounrey has been so very deeply real and significant to me. That Im here to do something amazing. That I am amazing despite whether people can see me or not, whether I have something to show for it or not. Ahhh and heres the real thing underneath:

IM NOT AS POWERFUL AS I THOUGHT.

And a big part of my healing journey as been about really feeling and understanding my power. What it is, what it's not. What I can do with it, what I can't, etc. Like everything to do with it. And so this very annoying trigger (lol) has shown me that I somewhere inside I was not connecting to my own sense of power and how it has nothing to do with people seeing it, beleiving it, knowing it...whatever whatever.

Ahhhh. That feels better. Yes and now some clarity...I dont really need to be seen..what I really want, is to feel and know my own power...that I have it no matter what. To feel connected to it no matter what.

To be really self-assured that its here, I have it, I see it, I know it, and there's not a damn thing I need to do to prove it.