The intimate connection of the wounded feminine and masculine.
There is this deep core part of my wounded feminine that I absolutely find incredibly hard to connect with. Although my journey has essentially been about healing my own feminine and I have transformed a lot of it...there still feels like this deep hidden, very vulnerable and hurt part of my feminine that keeps showing up...and I want to run.
I also have another part of me that absolutely despises her. Maybe even hates her. I now know it to be my wounded masculine. Holding this paradox within is quite something.
I hate how she wants to blame everything for the way she feels.
I hate her sense of powerlessness even though I can see she is powerful in that experience.
I hate her projections and justifications of why she's powerless.
I hate hearing it. I hate being blamed by her myself.
I hate her emotional outbursts and manipulation and defensiveness.
I hate how she tries to make me feel guilty like Im the one who made her that way.
I hate her jealousy and envy and the awkwardness of that.
I hate that I can't fix her, help her, or transform her.
Agggh she is painful to listen to and be around.
Meanwhile she's angry and wants justice for her hurt. She wants someone to pay. She doesn't understand why she's been "targeted" or why she is the one that gets hurt. She is trapped and full of rage. Bad things were done to her and it is very very unfair.
She lives in the pit of my stomach like a lump of dirty annoying shameful pain.
Even though I hear her crying for attention, for love, for validation and connection. Even though I hear her angry bitter cries, the moment I come to meet her...she runs. Why?
Maybe its because I want to do everything but love her and she can sense that. Because in honesty...she is damn hard to love.
She is the part of me that does not want to love. She wants to be loved first. She does not want to forgive. Why should she? Others should apologise for hurting her. She does not want to let anyone off the hook, so to speak. She doesn't wanna give up her victim throne.
But today, It is different. I recently healed a huge part of my own inner masculine. It came on suddenly. I clearly saw, within my healing session, that I was not OWNING my masculine energy. I was not willing to admit, that I was him., and he is me. I took full ownership of the masculine energy in my life, that emanates from me, that is me. And once I did, I felt an incredible feeling of deep loving accepting presence.....unlike I had ever felt before. I suddenly KNEW that I am completely connected to the loving masculine energy...because he is within me. A part of me...is ME. And that I had created my own masculine to be painful initially.....and this was the crux of my issues and why I couldn't heal these deeper parts of my feminine. (Btw this may sound like it was easy....the journey to that has been very long, with hours and hours of processing and honouring my deep pain first..and Im grateful for every bit of that).
So now that I have more access to this bigger part of me. This non-judgemental, accepting, allowing, witnessing, loving masculine....I think I can finally see her...for real. And in turn a deeper part of my wounded masculine. They are intimately connected by this one big fat, very very painful belief.
The belief that I am BAD. (And every related idea of that).
And I see it is because a part of me is deeply afraid of pain and suffering. And it is even more terrified that the pain and suffering I experience....has no purpose, no meaning....and no reason.
I can feel within me at a younger age, that pain was associated with being "bad". It felt bad, so I must be bad. Then everything around me validated it. And I hadn't realised it is because everyone is believing the same thing (remember being punished and told you were bad? Yes.) And then no one spoke of pain, or what it actually was or meant. So here comes the suppression of it. And the cycles....oh I see them....I express pain, it triggers other peoples pain and no one, NO ONE wants to feel it. Because then we are BAD.
Pain means BAD. I feel pain, so I am bad. Simple...but oh so painful. A vicious cycle.
(I feel to note that this especially becomes heightened and challenging when something abusive happens to us at a young age and why we may keep having the same experience as we grow up....it is very very understandable to take this belief on very deeply within our trauma...this needs delicate healing and unravelling and needs a very compassionate patient process...I personally know people who have healed from serious abuse when they have transformed these deep beliefs and chosen to unconditionally love themselves...for real.)
My wounded masculine and feminine are built on this. They are this. They are the BAD. The unloved. They are pain so they must be the bad part of me.
And that also must mean...that it is all my fault. The bad is my fault because I am the bad. And the best way to defend this and never feel it and to gain some control over life is to blame.
Because blame is how we gain some kind of power and control over the pain. So understandable! We are subconsciously trying to find the real reason for pain. It must be YOU! Its THEM! Its because XYZ happened! Then this triggers the blamed in their own pain and belief that they are the "bad". And it goes on and on.
Who is to blame for the pain we scream??? And how do we stop this insanity, we ask?
We need to stop running from it within us. We need to stop damning ourselves.
We need to feel it and reframe it and love it. We need to understand pain, we need to learn to process it...lovingly. And we need to accept that we have been believing, for valid and logical reasons, that we are "bad".
We need to be willing to let go of this judgement within. We need to see it is not true. We need to see it is not our fault. And more importantly we need to FEEL and KNOW it. We need to prove this to ourselves by healing. And it takes time.
There is no bad. There is no fault. There is just pain. Misunderstood and unloved pain. And that pain has a very very important purpose. But we need to feel it to see it.
It takes a super bad ass soul to be willing to consciously do this. If you have had very deep and painful challenges in your life.....
Then you are one of them.
(If you want to transform your pain into loving power and balance your inner masculine and feminine..click the"work with me" tab).
