So I was writing a blog post just before about worthiness and value and stuff like that, then I got deeply triggered by what I was writing. Then I asked for guidance and did a mini healing on myself....which I'm still doing as I write this. Gosh my heart hurts.
(First of all a disclaimer. I am not a TF teacher nor do I wish to be one. I am still, myself, unravelling the mystery and the healing that is the TF experience. There is a lot I do not know, and being comfortably uncomfortable with that....is what this journey has taught me more than anything)
My guidance was to share the highest truth I can about this because I feel its going to help others out there as well as bring about a deeper healing for me on the subject. I am going to trust this...so here goes.
My spiritual awakening happened because I had a twin flame experience. I have never wanted to say this or admit it for many reasons. One of the main reasons is the misinformation, hysteria and craziness that can surround this subject. And yes I will own that as a judgement. And I have been afraid of being judged this way as well. (Heck Im internally judging myself right now about it...but Im ok with it).
When I had my initial experience with the kundalini-like symptoms and looked it up on the internet, as I had no idea what it was (my TF told me this is what it sounded like) ....purely by accident (or was it?) the first page that popped up was "Kundalini awakening and twin flames". Im like what the heck is this? I had never heard of it before and I have been pretty damn spiritual ( and romantic) since I was a teenager. (How did this slip by me?)
Every damn thing this website described...was what I was experiencing. I could not believe it. I shared it with him...and he even admitted to the experience as well. After that, we never really talked about it in depth. Yet I was secretly determined to see what this was about and if its true. Im still doing that on a level...in secret..but Im less inclined to make a big deal about it...and here's why.
When you have this experience....it is unmistakeable. The profound initial awakening is so mind blowing it changes you from that moment on. It starts to transform you whether you like it or not. And it is really undeniable...but you can still doubt the experience. And they (the TF) can reflect that to you..ALOT. But that initial awakening to love...remains with you...even if they are long gone...which is my experience. It is quite confusing and can leave you questioning your sanity...all the damn time.
But no matter what this phenomena is or appears to be, whether its a true experience or not, the core purpose of it is, in my deepest truth, is Unconditional Love. To heal the self with this love and come to know (and remember) unconditional love as the true nature of reality. And the reason this is happening more and more to people (as I believe there are genuine divine counterparts out there....although I have seen very few in any teaching capacity...if there are, they're quiet about it too lol) is because this world is transforming deeply and rapidly and needs a lot of powerful souls to usher in the new phase we are entering. I truly believe that in order for this to actually occur, the vibration of unconditional love is paramount to the integrity of this great change that is upon us. Its the only vibration that can heal, allow forgiveness and integrate everything that is out of alignment with this new time, without creating anymore resistance.
I've had to let go of so much....its a wonder that I have anything left. You see my TF chose a path that led to his eventual death. If you've had the TF experience then this most likely is your deepest fear. Not only that they reject you and choose someone else (that happened to me) but then they die....then where does this story go? Whats the friggin purpose of that? The pain is so incredible it makes you want to let go and literally die yourself. And numerous times. Yes that is dramatic, but ...its true.
The longing to be with them is the most powerful feeling. And it triggers EVERYTHING through time and space. And this is where the hysteria happens in the narrative of this TF journey. This is what I see the most. People stuck on this and then creating grandiose ideas that your here to save the world with your love and be together in the physical plane and then everything will be perfect. In a way it is....but if what Im experiencing is in fact the TF journey...it has stripped me of every false belief i've ever held of anything.....including this (the TF). It continually calls me to align with the integrity of unconditional love. Its calling me to higher and higher perspectives and deeper and deeper alignment...every...damn..day.
And the ultimate purpose of the TF from what I've investigated in myself and other teachings...is to heal the illusion of separation. And whats the ultimate experience of that? Death. Thats what Im experiencing in my journey. The ultimate separation. I won't lie. Its so challenging (understatement) . And to top it off, no one understands this connection I have with him. I cannot explain it to people (especially people who knew him) and I also do not want to perpetuate the false narratives around the TF and seem like a looney tunes myself. So I've felt stuck...and in silence around it.
In summary I feel like the perpetual idea of this magical (physical) union and the longing for it to be realised as the goal for the TF is in itself quite a difficult thing to get over. It appears to be the dangling proverbial carrot that a lot of the TF culture focuses on. It also perpetuates a false sense of specialness that I feel is missing the whole point of this.
And thats it really. The current TF stuff and what I was reading in the first couple of years of my journey, was all missing the damn point of it. Which is why I don't want to talk about it in that framework at all. Because no matter which way you look at it, no matter how much you believe in the TF or not, no matter how much you want to be with them...the purpose is in Unconditional Love and healing yourself. Healing all of that deep emotional pain. Looking at all of the shadows in yourself and the world. Becoming truly empowered. Living a life of true freedom. Leading others to embody these truths. Healing the deep discord and disconnect among many other important and awesome gifts. And I believe this is the discerning factor of whether you are on this journey or not....you will absolutely be doing the inner work. You will feel there is no choice...in the best possible way.
I believe the true TF souls that are here....are doing this. And they're not making a huge fuss about it. They live the truth. They have their journey and they're doing it, no matter whether the TF is alive, in their life or not.
Personally I know there is a whole lot more for me to see and experience on this journey, especially now that he's in spirit ( i have started to have multi-dimensional experiences but am still in fear around it) . And I do struggle with this. Im not always open to it. And I still have some unworthiness and fear around what this all really means for my journey privately. I somewhat still feel unworthy that I had this experience and also unworthy BECAUSE I had this experience. And then I judge the legitimacy of it. All perils on this journey that Im sure others resonate with.
All I know is I had this experience. I cannot deny it anymore. And Im still having it...but very differently. Its not what the TF culture said it would be (although in the truthful ways it has been). It has not been easy. Its definitely not for the faint of heart. And the legitimacy of it I rarely see...not that Im actively looking for it anymore.
I also know I know nothing. But I do know the unconditional love I experienced with him. The love I felt in my heart, body and soul for him, was damn real. It was the realest thing I have ever experienced. And I would do anything to feel that again.
Which is why I heal. Which is why I keep going. I don't want to wait until I die to feel this love and connection again. If theres anything this TF journey was teaching me...was that I am this love. You are this love. He is that love. And I have a deep knowing that I do not need to be in physical union with my TF to experience this.
I feel like he's been trying to tell me this the whole time.
Surrender to the love that I am, that he is, that we all are.
And watch it all unfold.
(PS this was not my intention for this article, but if you want support for your journey and want to align to the unconditional love of journey...go to the "work with me" tab....I totally get it btw)
