All I want is the divine.
This is not religious. Its no longer spiritual to me either. Its real.
I thought I wanted money, the perfect relationship, lots of "things",and success so that I felt valid and useful and like my life was "for" something...like I had purpose and therefore power in my life. I felt lacking in the feminine/beauty area so I thought Id make up for it with "talent" or something equally cool so it didn't matter what i looked like. Really these were just variations of wanting to feel loved, connected, free and worthy.
Really I just wanted to be myself AND have all of these things.
Then life just literally made sure I had none of these things...for a long time. And now I see why.
Everything was being set up for me to connect to my true, all-encompassing desire. My original desire. The desire that birthed me. My reason for coming here. I had no idea that the longing I felt inside (and its subsequent emptiness) was for me to come back to a deep remembering after a long forgetting.
And that was for the divine.
My divine nature. The realest part of me. The freest and truest.
Ive always been deeply mystical (best word to describe it for me) by nature...but I kept it hidden out of fear it would be misunderstood. But really it was to keep me from misrepresenting it. It was always my own misunderstanding all along. But now I truly get it on the deepest level.
I just want the divine. Nothing else. Its me, its you, its everything. Its that full feeling. That magic and wonder. That deeply romantic intimate dance of the divine. Its unconditional and orgasmic. Its joy and bliss that denies nothing..not even darkness. Its freedom at the highest level and love at the deepest. Its the pleasure of being and existence that needs no reason to love and be loved. It just is.
Ive been searching for it in human connections, in sex & intimacy, in drugs and wildness, in music, money, anything fun and expansive. I'd been searching for it forever. And I couldn't name it. It was more than freedom, it was more than love. More than bliss and connection.
It was ALL of these things....and then some. Its the divine perfection of all things through time and space. Its the true deep embrace of all that is.
And I got tastes of it. So many moments where my humanness sighed with relief....ahhhh there it is. And then it would go. Throwing me into a despair I did not understand.
And I did not understand that this is a very REAL path. Meaning I couldn't lie to myself about it. It is a path of deep integrity of the heart. Your love must be true, and genuine for yourself and your human path. You cannot fake this. Its impossible.
I had to feel all of my pain and suffering and embrace the shit out of it and love it for real. There were no guarantees. Nothing told me this was the correct way to go. It was just a feeling. It was just a reluctant surrender happening on the deepest level.
But finally..until recently..yet again going through another dark night of the soul...not knowing, not knowing....boom it happened. The clarity of my truth. The clarity of my powerlessness. My deep divine powerlessness. Oh so painful but oh so sweet.
I gave up. I surrendered. I got really really deeply honest.
Nothing will ever satisfy me in this world. It never has and it never will. And this is what hurts me. This was the root of all of my suffering.
And just like that....I saw the truth of all of my desires.....theres only been one. And that is for the divine.
Divine love. Divine connection. Knowing myself as the divine. Being my divine self and flowing it where it wants to go. Recognising it in everyone around me. Honouring it in all of creation. The divine that is running through me and to me and around me. The divine itself. And divine seeing. The ability to see life as the divine see's it. As the divine feels it. I realised everything means nothing without this. I've been relentlessly trying to connect to the divine in everything around me instead of recognising it in me.
Then I felt my personal will....for the first time. Deep in my solar plexus. It used to be empty. Now it was filled with one desire.
The desire for the divine.
I instantly felt free. I instantly felt clear. I instantly felt powerful (weirdly that feels more like a softness than anything else).
It streamlined my entire being into one single truth. Everything I have been desiring is really just that. And I feel it at a soul level.
It has made my life easier. Clearer. I just need to desire the divine and all will fall into place.
Its the most "me" I've ever felt.
And now I only have one mantra, one spiritual practice.
"Align with divine, and all will be fine."
This is such a personal journey to our deep truth. It unravels in such perfect timing in a such a perfect way for us all.
May you know the perfection of yourself in this very moment.
