I wish someone told me that when I was younger. Maybe they did, but I couldn't hear it over the emotional pain of my unworthy beliefs. Ahhh that dang unworthiness. (Its welcome.)
Lets admit it. We all want to feel good. And we certainly want to feel good about who we are and what we are experiencing.
Every time I am healing something within myself....I always end up at this very powerful truth. When I feel stuck it is usually because I am not being honest that I just want to feel good about myself. Everything I do has this hidden agenda gem inside. I could be thinking Im doing XYZ action for XYZ reason, but if I am not claiming and feeling ok about wanting to feel good about myself, she will be the real reason i'm even attempting XYZ.
Get what Im sayin? This shit's powerful I tells ya!
I reckon its why I don't allow myself to receive anything. I feel like wanting to feel good about myself is a dirty little secret I should never admit to...to anyone. I'll just pretend that I don't want it, or pretend I already do so I can just get on with it. Nothing to see here!
Why do some of us hide this so much? Why do we feel so much shame for wanting to feel good about ourselves? Most likely a lot to do with our upbringing and the beliefs we took on when we would exhibit our spontaneous joy and pleasure. I know I was not always met with approval and that it would be supported if I chose it as a daily occurrence. A lot of seriousness came into my consciousness the older I got. Things to worry about and be afraid of...these were more important than feeling good....and that was just the beginning. Maybe you can relate?
I look back on my life and see that everything was about wanting to feel good, and not being honest about it. Everything I chose was a promise that maybe I'll feel good about myself and others will approve of this too. You see, because I felt it wasn't ok to self-source my feeling goodness, it became apparent to me that it was less judged if other people made me feel good. Hello! This is where I learnt to externalise my feeling goodness.
So its not ok if I do it, but if others praise or validate me, then its ok to feel good? Welcome to people pleasing! Of course I took to this like a duck to water. And I still do in subtle ways.
In my gene key profile I have key 59 in my evolution sphere. Shadow of dishonesty, path of intimacy and the siddhi of transparency. (Don't worry if you don't know gene keys....). And I realise the ultimate experience of transparency is being honest that every relationship and choice we make for ourselves, collectively, is because we want to feel good about ourselves, which translates as the gateway to the deeper truth....we really just want to love ourselves. And I believe being honest about this collective wanting to "feel good" is a gigantic step to the integrity of self love and loving others. (I think i'll do a podcast on this..hmmm).
This is why I love sex, pleasure and intimacy so much. Its a huge way I feel validated and good about myself, especially about my feminine expression. (Thats a big longing for me). Of course this would be a big desire of mine to have a relationship so I can experience this because I can't feel good on my own.
I can relate this to money as well! I can't feel good about making money because its judged....so a deeper part of me repels it. And I certainly can't do what feels good AND make money. (I can feel the layers of this...oh boy).
I can even relate this to my creative expression. No wonder I haven't pursued music or writing or any of these loves of mine. It seems not ok to do it just coz it feels good to me and I feel good about ME when I do it. Im still secretly doing it for that external permission to feel good about myself. I did this thing...can I feel good about myself now?
And I realise I judge other people when they are clearly wanting to feel good about themselves and get validation for it. So Im really judging myself! And Im really starting to notice that all my judgement is rooted in this one statement...."I don't feel good about myself so I will judge you so you can't either". This, I feel for me, is the root of my jealousy and envy. Of which I have had many experiences of.
So why does this feel different to self-love? Maybe you have had a similar experience to me.
I think, back in the day, I started to equate feeling good with not being loved and being loved with not feeling good. I couldn't have both. Love was something conditional, so It didn't always feel good. But it was the love I received and didn't know any different until I started my healing path. Feeling good happened when I did things, usually, that went against the people who loved me. Slowly, I started separating the two.
And now, here I am, still splitting these two up in what's happening to me now. As much as I work on loving myself, Im still not admitting I want to feel good, and that its really the same thing. So i'm holding back a huge part of love. This is how and why I feel like Im not receiving it in a deeper way.
Its ok to feel good about myself....this is love.
Real love feels good. Its feels damn awesome actually. It feels like pleasure to my body. Its ok that I want this experience. Its ok that in the past I equated love with not feeling good.
And its ok to not feel good. Real love will make any situation, feeling, or experience...feel damn good.
Its time to stop denying myself this fundamental goodness of love. Its supposed to feel good. Thats why all the manifesting teachers say to follow your joy, excitement, bliss, pleasure...whatever word it is for you. Because it just the act of feeling good. You choose it first, self source, then everything is added to that.
Like me, you may have layers of judgement, shame and guilt about feeling good. You may not trust this part of you. Maybe its been so denied in you it has turned into a shadowy behaviour like addictions, needing external validation in sex, food, money, what have you.
Thats ok. You want to feel good about yourself. Its really ok. You don't need to do anything to deserve this or feel worthy of it. It just needs to be invited and acknowledged. Like a dusty instrument you left in a cupboard of a passion you once had and forgot about. It just needs a little cleaning up, a little tuning, and for you to begin a new relationship with it.
This is you calling yourself back to you. This is where abundance is. On all levels.
Its ok to want to feel good about yourself.
This is what love wants for you.
Will you receive?
