Nz diaries: reconnection.

I didnt bring my notebook journal with me thinking I probably won’t write very much or need it while I was here. But today I felt the need to write because it helps me connect with how I’m really feeling.

So this blog will be raw AF. Maybe.

I’m feeling disconnected from myself, and I’ve felt like this for awhile. This last month has been so incredibly challenging.

“I’m not a perfect person, there’s so many things I wish I didn’t do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

Ive found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new and the reason is you”

(The reason by Hoobastank)

Fuck it. I don’t feel as free writing this as I do journaling. Knowing maybe someone will read it.

I’m sitting here at my brothers house drinking my morning coffee…trying to sort out how the fuck I feel. And I don’t know.

Sad. Disjointed. Slightly happy. Excited. Stressed. Worried. Anticipating and not knowing. I feel strained. That’s the best word.

STRAINED.

This whole year has felt like this. My dad may not be here much longer , my mum is also declining in a different way.

My parents…they’re gonna go soon. Am I at peace with that? Yes and no.

I feel really disconnected from myself, my spiritual path, my homeland, my other siblings here.

But a reconnection is happening. I just gotta feel all the feels first. I haven’t had time to feel. There’s literally been no time and no space. Something is always happening. Something big, something you can’t put off.

I’ve been obsessed with the food since I got here just kinda came out of nowhere. I just want to eat every thing all the time.

Now I’m frustrated. I’m a bit angry underneath. Forcing. I feel like I’m forcing things. Forcing me on the inside.

Sometimes I feel like the spiritual path is just the selfish path. It feels so selfish. So self obsessed. So self indulgent. Me me me me.

And I don’t care. It’s neither right nor wrong.

I don’t care if it’s selfish or selfless.

It’s all free.

And I want a bacon and egg pie.