Resisting The Calling Of Your Soul

Lately Ive been going through probably my 100th dark night of the soul.

I've been feeling the calling to get back to basics on my journey. I've been searching within and without myself for some clarity, some answers to what I am missing on this leg of my journey.

I always feel like something is missing. Like Im missing something. Im overlooking something. So hence why I "get back to basics" so to speak.

Most mornings I usually write in a private notebook. Just some stream of consciousness type stuff. I learnt this from The Artists Way by Julia Cameron. Although I never completed that book, I found the morning pages to be the most powerful part of that process.

This morning I began to write and sometimes I get so frustrated with myself and my path I just start talking to the Divine and I ask questions and kind of vent really. But this morning the answer (although its been the same answer each time) came through differently.

It was very clear and very strong.

"Just write truthfully, vulnerably and share"

Ive been getting this same guidance for a long time. Hence why I come out and write here and there and then boom im gone into a process again. This has happened like 100 times.

So I feel shame about that. But really, Ive been resisting this step for many many reasons for a long time. Like, it has no "outcome". Theres no guarantee of what will happen. How will it help? And very human concerns of, but no-one will read it, it has no value for people, is it enough? and.......how will I make a living from this? It's going to take too long to "get there", whatever that means.

Then there is the spiritual perfectionist part of me. Am I aligned enough? Shouldn't I wait until my transformation reaches a certain place? Am I ready? Am I clear enough? Will people get it? And so on and so forth.

But in numerous ways, I have been reminded lately of the power of sharing and hearing other people share about their spiritual journey's. I always get inspired and sometimes it even instigates healing for me. And also I experience this when I share. Whether in community spaces or just talking with my fellow spiritual humans.

This is the step I need to take that I have been resisting. It's kind of too simple in way. But also has this unlimitedness about it. And yeah if I feel in to this more....it doesn't feel like "enough". Its kind of feeling like Im saying that about me. Im not enough.

So here I am...again. And Ive been struggling to be honest. Really struggling with my process, my healing and then the every day life Im living at the moment.

Ive been on this journey since 2015. And although a lot of it was challenging back then...this is a different level of challenge.

And maybe thats another reason I have resisted this. I just appear to have too much "challenge". I still can't show anyone the positive side of healing and awakening. I mean I can in certain ways but it feels more challenge than alignment. And yeah I feel this as one of those limiting judgements I have towards this. Because maybe there isn't enough people expressing this side of things. And thats what Im being called to do.

Ooof. Yeah I just felt that. No one will want to connect with me or work with me if im expressing the challenging aspects of this journey. People will get turned off the path because of me. Holy shit. Lol.

But I am going to remind myself, and whoever is reading this.....there have been some amazing days of expansion and alignment ....otherwise we wouldn't keep going would we? I mean thats what gets me out of bed in the morning. Thats what keeps me choosing this path. Because Ive tasted, in a full being/body way, what it is like to be open as love. Ive tasted the freedom that is me and everyone that is already perfect within everything. I have seen what true power is...I still can't for the life of me express what it is....but I've seen it, Ive felt it....I've harmonised with it. There is a deep and powerful part of me that KNOWS whats possible through transformation.

And it is glorious.

And that is what Im here for.

This path is messy as fuck. It is hard in ways you cant explain. It is also exciting and joyful...in a true way.

It is a path of truth, on every level in every way. And that requires spiritual and human proverbial guts. Being genuine, truly loving and doing what it takes to get to that truth is a rollercoaster of a ride.

The real path gets hairy. And what a trip.

Im not here to create any more falsities on this journey. Im here to strip them away.

This is my soul's calling.